When Family Hurts You Cause Your a Christian
Non sure how to deal with toxic family unit members Biblically? Don't let them slowly bulldoze you insane. Here's what the Bible says about cutting people out of your life.
Are you struggling to figure out how to deal with toxic family members Biblically?
Maybe you've been wondering, "What does the Bible say almost cutting people out of your life?" and now you're looking up Bible verses about toxic family unit or Bible verses about toxic relationships in general.
Perchance you lot aren't even sure if y'all are dealing with toxic family members or if your family is simply annoying.
You lot know you want to be a skilful Christian and practice the right matter, but it seems similar no thing how much you love, forgive and turn the other cheek, the mistreatment never stops — simply gets worse.
The state of affairs is completely unhealthy, anybody involved is miserable, and nothing is working, no matter how much you try.
You lot want to be kind, merely they're driving you crazy, and you're not sure what to exercise.
So at present you lot're wondering, "What does the Bible say almost dealing with toxic relationships?"
The good news is, if you accept toxic people in your life or you are in a toxic relationship, you are not alone!
In fact, I had a sweetness reader inquire me how to bargain with toxic family members Biblically not that long ago, and I idea you lot might do good from hearing my answer to her every bit well.
Later all, as Christians, we don't simply want to get off on our loved ones or respond in anger and hurt. You don't want to first cutting people out of your life or cutting ties with toxic family members or friends for no reason.
Nosotros want to know how to deal with toxic family members Biblically and then we can use these Bible'south wisdom to guide our actions.
And so with that in listen, here's my best communication on how to respond to toxic family members Biblically. I hope it helps.
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Reader Question: How Practise I Deal With Toxic Family Members Biblically?
My human relationship with my family unit isn't a good for you 1. Both my parents and my siblings clearly favor my sister and her kids over me and mine, and it hurts me and my kids the manner this favoritism is displayed.
For instance, they don't visit me unless they need favors and they castor my concerns aside when I effort to share how their deportment brand me feel. My feelings are minimized, dismissed and discarded. Information technology's hurtful.
Even my kids are enlightened of this blatant favoritism. They ask questions about why their cousins get more than attention, etc, and it breaks my centre.
I desire to remain respectful to my parents and siblings, yet this has been happening for over v years now with no signs of remorse, and I don't know how to make them understand how hurtful their actions are to me and my children.
How tin can I handle this without going confronting God'southward words or teachings? What does the Bible say about cutting people out of your life?
First of all, I'm distressing you lot are dealing with this.
Only I do remember it's great that you're asking, "What does the Bible say virtually toxic family unit members?" rather than just lashing out in response to your hurt feelings.
In this post, I'm going to share my best stride-by-pace advice for learning how to bargain with toxic family members Biblically.
But before we go there, allow's outset by identifying the signs of a toxic relationship.
Related: How to set up Biblical Boundaries as a Christian
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
You may be wondering, "Am I in a toxic relationship with my family?" Or, "Is my sis a toxic person?"
Let'due south turn to the Bible for an answer.
The Bible describes what dear is supposed to look like in i Corinthians xiii:4-7. It says:
" Love is patient, dear is kind. Information technology does not envy, information technology does non boast, it is non proud. It does not dishonor others, it is non cocky-seeking, it is non hands angered, information technology keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not please in evil just rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Now, if we take the opposite of 1 Corinthians thirteen:4-7, what do nosotros see?
We run across several signs of a toxic person or signs of a toxic relationship:
-
- Lacks patience
- Is verbally and/or physically abusive
- Acts jealous over every footling thing
- Boasts excessively
- Is excessively prideful
- Dishonors others
- Is self-seeking
- Reminds others of past mistakes
- Delights in your pain or suffering
- Neglects or refuses to protect or defend you
- Refuses to trust
- Lacks hope
- Gives up easily
If your friends and family unit members are simply annoying, it'southward probably all-time to give them grace and try to overlook their faults, if speaking with them doesn't aid.
If you read these signs of a toxic relationships, nonetheless, and thought, "Yes. I definitely have toxic family members," then this article on how to deal with toxic family members Biblically is definitely for yous.
What Does The Bible Say About Toxic Family unit Members?
Then now that we've identified the signs of a toxic relationship, what should nosotros do nigh information technology? Do we have to "play nice" considering they're family unit, or is cutting people out of your life ever okay? What does the Bible say virtually cutting ties with family?
Let's have a await.
Every bit Christians, many of us are enlightened of these Bible verses:
"But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who expletive yous, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your glaze, do not withhold your shirt from them. Requite to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, exercise non demand it back. Practise to others as you would have them do to you." — Luke half dozen:27-31
And yeah, we admittedly should dearest our enemies. But I think sometimes we forget what love really means.
Loving someone well does not mean always playing "nice," always being the peacemaker, or just letting other people walk all over y'all. This isn't beloved–it's called enabling.
A better definition of love would be: honoring the true dignity of another person, acknowledging their inherent worth as man beings, created and loved by God, and doing everything in your power to do skilful for them and to human activity in their all-time interest.
Yes, it absolutely can include beingness "kind" (see 1 Cor. 13:four again), but information technology's then much more than that. And in fact, if yous really examine the mode Jesus behaves in the Gospels, his actions aren't e'er what we consider "prissy."
When a Canaanite woman asks Jesus for his help in Matthew xv:26, "He replied, 'It is not right to take the children's staff of life and toss information technology to the dogs.'"
Jesus tells the Pharisees, "Yous brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything skillful? For the rima oris speaks what the middle is full of" in Matthew 12:34.
And let's not forget how "Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the coin changers and the benches of those selling doves" in Matthew 21:12.
At present, I wouldn't actually recommend you calling your in-laws dogs or vipers or flipping their tables! My point here is Simply that the Bible does non teach us that we need to exist super polite, calm and passive to the bespeak of being walked over and enabling others in their sins.
In fact, Jesus instructs the apostles to "leave that home or town and shake the dust off your anxiety" in Matthew 10:14 and to "treat [unrepentant sinners] equally you would a pagan or a tax collector" in Matthew 18:17.
Jesus'southward plan for our lives isn't to make us "nice." It'southward to make us (and our loved ones) holy. Sometimes that means treating others kindly. But other times that means protecting ourselves and our families instead of protecting the feelings of others who insist on pursuing sinful attitudes or behaviors.
See likewise: Yes, Christians Should Approximate
How to Deal With Toxic Family Members Biblically
So since the Bible doesn't teach us to exist passive doormats, how should we deal with toxic family members Biblically?
Hither'south what I would advise:
one. Assess the Situation Honestly
Toxic family unit members are abrasive. Then it but makes sense that y'all might get worked up when your friends and family members start showing the signs of a toxic person or y'all start noticing the many signs of a toxic relationship.
Before y'all get too worked upward, though, take a stride back and appraise the situation honestly:
- Is the other person really toxic, or simply annoying, thoughtless, etc?
- Is the problem serious plenty to warrant activeness, or can you but overlook it for the sake of family unity?
- Are you sure the other person'southward actions are intentional, not simply perceived?
- What type of effect is the beliefs having on yous and your family?
- What accept you done to remedy the situation in the by, if annihilation?
- Have you really told the other person how you are feeling, and what you lot'd like to modify?
- Are things getting better, staying the same, or getting worse?
In the best-case scenario: you may realize that the other party truly didn't hateful to hurt you and that they were unaware that their behavior was coming across then hurtful. If this is the instance, so you may simply need to accept a conversation.
Alternately, if the behavior is purposeful but small enough in nature, y'all may simply be able to ignore it or avoid the situation when possible. Life isn't perfect and people are abrasive, and sometimes nosotros just have to deal with abrasive people.
Yeah, there are absolutely times when you may demand to have action (in that location are times when cutting people out of your life is the right choice to brand), only allow's not jump there quite yet.
Tin can the beliefs simply be resolved or disregarded? If so (and the state of affairs isn't serious), then starting time hither.
2. Accept Responsibility for Any Wrongdoing on Your Part
Side by side, let's have a minute to look at yourself and any part you may take played in the consequence: Take you done anything to make the situation worse? Or failed to do something to make the situation improve?
While the situation may not be ultimately "your fault" (particularly in cases of outright abuse), one time nosotros reach machismo, each of united states is responsible for and accountable for our own actions.
And this is good news! Because information technology ways that you have the power and ability to choose different actions, and to amend your situation.
It's time to get honest with yourself.
- Have you said or done anything hurtful to the other person? (even unintentionally!)
- Have you ever failed to care for them as kindly or equally respectfully as you lot should have?
- Have y'all ever been selfish, self-centered or mean-spirited?
Again, I'1000 non saying the mistreatment is your fault. But if you have done (or continue to do) things that hurt the other political party, they may be acting out of that hurt. And a heartfelt apology for whatever wrongdoings on your part may be just what the other person needs to heal.
You aren't responsible for them, but you are responsible and accountable for You lot — no matter what they've washed to "deserve it."
3. Ready Salubrious, Biblical Boundaries With Family
Side by side, one time y'all've gotten honest about the situation and the office y'all may accept played in it, information technology's time to set some Biblical boundaries with family members and friends who may need them.
What behaviors volition you accept? Which behaviors volition you not accept? Where is the purlieus?
When you lot are dealing with people and situations who are truly toxic, manipulative, crazy or even abusive, it can actually make you question your sanity and your decision making! You lot desire to practice the right thing, but you lot may question what the right thing is or what requests are reasonable. It can be hard to tell.
That's where Boundaries does a nifty job of laying out a Biblical framework to help you empathize what truly is your responsibleness, what requests are unreasonable, where you should depict the line, and how you can practice so without guilt.
Yous can find Boundaries at your local library or on Amazon here.
Here's the advice I gave the reader in a higher place:
Personally, I would explicate, incredibly politely, that while you dearest them, you cannot allow them to go on to hurt you and your children in this fashion.
(If y'all even desire to explicate at all. I mean, you've had this chat several times now. I don't know if it is necessary to say anything else.)
I would be conscientious to be as unemotional, straightforward and polite as possible, to avoid saying anything that could be taken as accusatory, and to just speak out of your concern for the children.
For example, "Nosotros've spoken with yous several times about how nosotros feel equally though yous favor the other family over us. This has really injure united states and our family unit, as we want to have a relationship with you likewise, but it never seems to happen. Unfortunately, I cannot allow my children to take their hopes upward and exist so disappointed every fourth dimension. For this reason, we will not exist spending as much time with you" etc etc in your own words.
And then, if they call, you're busy or cannot help them out at this fourth dimension.
(Which is true–you are busy… doing anything else other than being mistreated past toxic family members… even if that's but washing the dishes or playing with the kids. That counts as decorated.)
So what do healthy, biblical boundaries with family look similar for yous?
Practice you need to limit visits or restrict your visits to a sure format? (For case, maybe you are happy to call on the telephone, but you tin no longer visit in person.)
Do you demand to set up the boundary that you lot tin can just visit X times a year, that you can but give X dollars a month, or that you will only proceed to be around them merely every bit long every bit the conversation remains healthy and polite.
Seek wise counsel from friends and family y'all trust to make certain your boundaries are reasonable, let the other party know what your boundaries are, and so stick to them.
There's no need to feel guilty. The Bible encourages y'all to set Biblical boundaries with family where necessary.
(And if y'all still feel guilty, read the Boundaries volume. Information technology volition aid you effigy out how to deal with toxic family members Biblically without feeling so guilty well-nigh it!)
4. Stick to Your Boundaries!
Once you've fix your boundaries and told your friends and family unit members where they are — this is the difficult part. You have to stick to the boundaries you lot've set!
I know, learning how to deal with toxic family members Biblically isn't easy… Information technology takes time and do, and you won't get it all correct the showtime time, but stick with it.
Because if you're continually "angle the rules," your family will only learn that your "rules" aren't actually rules at all.
Seek Godly counsel, determine (through prayer) where your boundaries should be, so stick to them!
5. Pray!
Sometimes the nigh loving thing you lot tin do in a relationship is only to pray for the other person.
This is why God commands us, "But to you who are listening I say: Dear your enemies, practice proficient to those who detest yous, anoint those who expletive yous, pray for those who mistreat you " in Luke 6:27-28.
Pray that God would heal their injure, that he would open their eyes to their behavior, and that your relationship could be restored.
Pray that God would help y'all love your toxic family members more than, and that He would give you lot wisdom to bargain with them wisely.
God will help you learn how to answer to toxic family unit members — yous just have to ask!
6. Forgive
Now, I know you may feel very angry or resentful towards the toxic family members and friends who have hurt you lot and ruined your relationships, just the Bible is articulate: We take to forgive, even when we don't feel like it.
We see this in Mark 11:25, which says, "And when you stand up praying, if yous hold anything confronting anyone, forgive them, and then that your Begetter in heaven may forgive you your sins."
Please understand, though: Forgiving someone doesn't mean that what they did is okay or that they shouldn't receive any consequences for their activity.
You tin can even so prepare Biblical boundaries and turn an abuser in to the authorities if needed.
But we have a responsibility to forgive others (even and especially our enemies) if we want God to forgive us besides.
Related Reading: Four Things Every Christian Needs to Know About Forgiveness
7. Close the Door
So far in this article, I've tried to help y'all answer the following questions:
- Am I in a toxic relationship?
- What are the signs of a toxic person / signs of a toxic relationship?
- What does the Bible say nigh toxic family members / how to bargain with toxic family unit members Biblically?
If you take done all of the to a higher place to the best of your ability, so information technology may be time for yous to ask the last question: "What does the Bible say about cut ties with family / cutting people out of your life?"
The truth is: While it would be awesome if we could all get along, the truth is that we exercise accept free will, and some people choose to apply theirs in a fashion that interferes with God'southward all-time for our lives.
And when this happens, nosotros don't have to stay stuck in toxic, abusive relationships.
God walks away from stubborn, sinful people at times (Romans 1:24-28). Jesus had times where he walked away (Matthew 12:34). And we accept the Biblical right to walk away as well.
God opens doors, but nosotros often forget that he closes them, too.
Sometimes, as unfortunate equally it is, when there is nix more nosotros can practice, we need to just step back and let GOD deal with it in a way that just He can. And that's okay.
Have y'all ever had to deal with toxic family members Biblically (or friends)? What helpful communication would you offer to our anonymous reader on how to deal with toxic family unit members Biblically?
Source: https://equippinggodlywomen.com/community/reader-question-respond-toxic-family-members/
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